4/17/20: I’ve been thinking about it while I make my coffee, empty the dishwasher, and clean the kitchen. We started growing apart as friends, for a number of reasons. I knew this wouldn’t land well. I’m not sure where I was going.
6/30/20: I never quarantined, I went right through passport control and then got on a train. It is so different here. No one seems worried. Been having more fun in the last several days. Feeling more connected. Why leave an open place. Why make myself very lonely by staying on in a place where I only love 1 person.
7/24/20: I kept trying to reply to this but my brain has been absolute mush. I’m feeling a bit defeated. I don’t have the energy to ask my usual questions.
10/26/20: I have really been trying to relish the last slivers of warmth as winter whispers from the corner. Let’s go for a walk soon?
12/17/20: The house is definitely lonelier without you. Really feel your absence. Nice getting to go for a walk and commenting on all the houses we pass. Those would be some of my favorite nights.
1/13/21: I’m glad we were able to be that for you. You really deserve to be so happy.
4/15/21: I’m so happy that this is our life/lives for a short while. Looking forward to spring, summer, Montana.
4/27/21: I thought it was not very good.
6/30/21: These are ideas I have to imbue my life with meaning. Things I’ve realized this week. I felt loved and understood a lot of the time. Get in good shape, read more books, move to NYC (hoping).
8/21/21: Branch Ave stop & shop at sunset.
9/14/21: They arrived. I feel elated! All here together. I guess I’m more ready for the change than I think.
2/22/22: Starting a new psychiatric med today
4/4/22: Pretty anxious and unsettled about coming back. It was cold, everyone had covid. Other gestures of love.
5/14/22: Feeling sick and drinking gatorade in bed and going through old things. I had completely forgotten. Not to live big, important lives, but to live and be happy. I’ve aged, gained distance from college. I wonder if I walk now, or in 10 years, if I’ll be reminded.
5/15/22: Got caught in an enormous downpour for a few miles. Our shoes little swamps, feeling like a child. Not having too many serious conversations.
7/13/22: The baby is sleeping, Ezra and Cheryl are out to dinner for Ezra’s birthday. His birthday is the day before mine! And the baby’s, july 12, two days before mine.
7/15/22: I’m trying to be loving. It’s consuming again. Got extremely drunk and recited Louise Glück. I’m a bit sad to be back from the trip. There’s too many people I love here. Feel like I need a shake-up. I feel a longing to be busy and focused. We don’t trust that things won't fall apart again. Summer is half gone. And I haven't spent any time in the park with my friends in the evenings.
8/15/22: He was so tortured. I think she understands that she needed to end things with him, but still reaches for the feeling. I feel the cracks in August, like when unfired clay sits in the sun and starts to develop faults. The peaches a bit overripe on the shelves. Shed this moment, see what comes next.
9/22/22: And thanks for such a sweet night. That felt really good to me.
10/17/22: We hiked Mystic Lake today, and all of the aspens are a bright, uniform yellow. It was a hard conversation but meaningful.
10/17/22: I did mean the things that I said.
11/28/22: I haven’t fully decided, keep going back and forth. Worrying about disrupting a perfect memory, leaving it untouched and pristine or sullying it with the present.
11/29/22: I hope it’s happening for a reason.
1/9/23: I said “good morning!” to a stranger on the street, smiling. Grateful for the feeling of having something to go back to.